Well, no sooner do I write about getting better, than I get knocked off my feet. Saturday and Sunday, I experienced powerful presyncope that left me in bed most of both days. (I don’t know why this happened, but POTS is unpredictable.) I am on the couch today, very faint but cozy at home, thankful for friends and a husband who cook, throw in laundry, bring the kids home from school.
I dislike the worse days, but you know what? In some ways, I’m grateful to be reminded that I can’t do it all. After the blackouts in vision, the surges of nausea, the body weakness, the tremors, the loss of speech, I know I must wave the white flag and admit to myself that I can’t always carry out my plans, my desires. I’m unable to catch up on the laundry I’d let pile up, to drive the car– or even walk unassisted to get in it-, to make cobbler from ripe summer peaches, to sit at my son’s soccer game. I can’t do any of the 5 on my Can-Do List for a couple days.
Yesterday, before I’d fully come out of a presyncopal episode, I was in the church lobby, on a couch, hunched over, head resting on an ottoman, with one friend fanning me, another holding salty ice water near my mouth, and my husband trying to put a dose of midodrine in my mouth– I could not even lift my arm to take my medicine myself and the funny of the situation left me laughing so hard I couldn’t swallow it down. I could do nothing!
It WAS funny, and my friends were happy to see me laughing, but doing nothing is also hard. I want to be strong and independent and capable. I want to find my worth in what I can do and am quick to try to run there as soon as I can do things like stand up while brushing my teeth. So in some ways, I love that God, in His goodness, has chosen for now to let me live with POTS and NCS and reminds me that I don’t need to do anything to earn His love or find worth in His kingdom. In fact, I can’t do anything. “All our righteous deeds are like filthy rags”; but “God demonstrates His love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Isaiah 64:6; Romans 5:8)
Like my husband and friends who practically carried me to the car, checked my vitals, changed my daughter’s sheets, picked up meals, cleaned our kitchen, and did our errands, God does all the work for me in saving me and delights in doing so. “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy milk and wine without money and without price. … Incline your ear, and come to me; hear, that your soul may live.” (Isaiah 55:1,3) He simply calls me to come and to believe.
I do hope to post more about what I can do, but I hope I will learn to rejoice, too, in what I can’t do and to praise God that He is exceedingly able.